Today, I Chose Me
“I do not love you today. That was yesterday’s mistake.”
Last night, while mindlessly scrolling through my Facebook feed, I happened upon a blog republished in The Minds Journal called The Day I Stopped Choosing You. The blog was written by a woman who had recently chosen to leave her significant other because the relationship had been completely detrimental to her life. When she started choosing that person, she stopped choosing herself.
I can completely relate.
As I read through the piece, I began to cry because of how the words echoed my own current experiences. One part in particular began the flood:
“Loving you was the only thing I had, and I couldn’t give that up too. So I stayed. I stayed much longer than I should and much longer than I wanted. I ignored family and friends telling me to leave, to get out, to choose myself. How could I do that to you? I thought that I was helping you, fixing you. This was my only purpose in the world: choosing you.”
Until that moment, I don’t think I fully embraced how far I’d really fallen. I had not only given up my favorite movies, TV shows, hobbies, etc to focus on what he enjoyed, but I also gave up on my writing, my career, my family, and my friends. My energy was gone. Everything went into pleasing him.
When I did start focusing on my wants and needs, on my future, I realized I no longer wanted him in my life. I was planning for a future he would not be part of, but I wasn’t ready to let him know. I wasn’t ready to let him go. I wasn’t ready to move on, to let go of this bad relationship. I didn’t think there would ever be another relationship – good or bad.
But, when I pictured my future, I didn’t see him in it anymore. I saw myself in a small apartment in a larger city, working on my writing career, and possibly working as a writer in residence or a professor. I couldn’t picture bringing someone who had no interest in my writing or my love of academia with me into that future.
When I started choosing me, even in small ways, I stopped choosing him, as the writer of the blog articulated. However, it wasn’t until today I began to embrace what choosing me really means.
It means I can focus on my health and begin to eat clean again. It means I can meditate in the morning and do yoga without criticism. It means I can work overtime if I need to, but still have a work/life balance. It means I can focus on my graduate applications and possibly pursue my MFA in Creative Writing.
It means I can finally introduce myself to me – the me without a title. Not “Russ and Judy’s oldest daughter,” “Jeremy’s wife,” “Jason and Taylor’s mom,” or “Ricky’s wife” — just me. Just Tabs. I’m a writer, a mother, and a survivor, in that order. My children are almost grown, and once they are out living their best life, I want to be in a position, mentally and physically, to live mine.
I think this time the “I don’t love you anymore” is going to stick because it is true. I never thought true love could be turned on and off like a light switch, and it can’t. But this wasn’t true love. This was something else. This was fear. This was longing. This was co-dependency. That isn’t love. This is self-preservation.
As the author of that blog stated, “Every day that I stop choosing you, I will start choosing me.” That is final word on it. My choice is no longer for sale. I’m taking it off the market. From this day forward…I choose me.
