My Seasons of Love
“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.”
First Love – 1998-2005
“I love you”
But he doesn’t really love you. He loves who you are for him. You are his safe place to fall, his smile, his family. He loves your cooking, cleaning, and the babies you made together. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t see you. He only sees what he has made you. He loves the convenience of having someone to come home to every night. He says he loves your laugh. He says he loves your eyes. He says the same things to the women he spends his afternoons and evenings with before he comes home to you. That is how he gets what he wants. He gives the promises he made to you freely to others. Does he love you when he lies with you unprotected, the same way he did with all the others? Does he love you when he puts you in danger? To you, love means he stays. But what about the nights he doesn’t? What is love to you now? Do you know? Do you even care?
Casual Love – 2005-2012
“I love you”
But they don’t really love you. As the years pass, one throws you away, and another picks you up. You love them. You adore them. You would do anything for them. You fall into their eyes when you go to dinner and when you spend time with them. They make you feel like you are the most important person in their lives. They tell you they love you. But, like I said, they don’t really love you. They love that you are propping them up while they are single. They make no commitment to you. They use you as a crutch. They use you as a place holder. They use you to make them feel good, in and out of their beds. They love you for what you do for them – the way you take care of them in sickness and in health, though no vows were ever taken, no promises ever made. You are a temporary fix for each of them – the person to take care of them until they find someone they want to have permanently. Why do you fall for them? Why do you love them? Is it the way they lure you into their beds and then cast you aside as if you don’t exist? Is it the way they turn away and show you how insignificant you are to their lives? Is it the way they degrade you and use you? To you, trading casual sex for faked emotion is all you need to get by. But is it?
Obsessive Love – 2012-2015
“I love you”
But he doesn’t really love you. He loves that you chose him, despite his many flaws. He loves that even though he has a past, you still want him. You are easy prey to him. You think you are worthless, and he makes you feel worthy. He makes you feel beautiful. You start to think that this is what love should feel like. So, you marry him. You’ve fallen into his trap. Now, he uses your love for his purposes. He knows you won’t leave because you think he is the best thing for you. Do you feel that love when he calls you fat and ugly? Do you feel his love when he strips away your worth? How much love do you feel when he holds you down and has his way? You are stuck. You don’t want this love, but you can’t shed him. He has a hold on you, even when he isn’t touching you. He does terrible things, but you stay. Why do you stay? You convince yourself that you don’t need him. You force this love to leave. But he comes back, cries, swears he will be better. He loves your gullibility. He loves that you will do anything he says. He loves that he knows you need to feel wanted, you need to feel needed. He knows you think you do not deserve better and no one else will want you. That is what he loves – your weakness. When you make him leave, he threatens you, scares you. This is his picture of love. When you force him to leave a final time, you feel empty. There is no love.
Self-Love – 2015-Present
“I love me”
They didn’t love you. You know that now. They used you to fulfill their needs, and you gratefully obliged. Why? Because you think that having someone else love you validates you as a human being. You think you are not deserving of love and affection because you are obese. You believe that the weight on your body proves that no one will ever want you. You think they are all right. But they are not right. You have survived all of them, despite every brick they threw at you. You don’t need them to love you. You need you to love you. They said you are worthless. They said you will never find someone better. They were wrong. Your imperfections make you who you are. Your past makes you who you are. You realize you need to own that and be proud that you made it through. You are loved. You are worthy. You don’t need another person to validate your existence. You are here. Love is not something that you gain from others, but something you have inside yourself and radiate out to the rest of the world.
