Night of the Roach
“If you crush a cockroach, you’re a hero. If you crush a beautiful butterfly, you’re a villain. Morals have aesthetic criteria.”
Note to Reader: This is an excerpt from my memoir—Call Me Tabs: The Making and Breaking of a Marine Corps Wife. I originally wrote this diary entry on August 2, 1999.
Dear Diary,
I didn’t think this place was so bad…at first. I mean, it’s a pretty simple one-bedroom apartment. But once I turned the lights off at night, I found out what this place should really be called—Cockroach City! This place makes Joe’s Apartment * look sanitary!
My first encounter with one of these monsters happened last night. I came out of my bathroom in a towel, and something buzzed my forehead. It was as big as my hand and flying! I screamed and ducked behind a chair. I’d never seen a roach in my life, and I had no idea they could get that big.
Once the intruder landed, somewhat blending in with my hardwood floor, I threw my husband’s size 13 Nike sandal at it. Success! But, not so fast… because the sandal started slowly moving across the floor. Fuck, I thought, now I’ve armed the damn thing!
Not to be outdone by this monstrosity, I ran across the room and jumped on the sandal. In my merriment over crushing the beast, I lost my balance, and I fell onto the carcass of my enemy.
Completely disgusted by the entire situation, I walked back into the bathroom for shower number 2, hoping to not have a repeat battle when I emerged clean once again.
Love,
T
*If you’ve never seen Joe’s Apartment, it’s worth a watch. Cockroaches that sing and dance are not nearly as creepy, but they are equally disgusting.
